Unite -- Lo-tel

Quite a favourite of mine, that song above. You know, there are certain songs that you can listen to 5 times a day and you would just feel so RECHARGED you know? Like you can blast into outer space even without a rocket. That is the effect some songs have on me.

Oh dear, do you think that is how drug addicts feel when they get high? Damn, I would recommend listening to this song by Lo-tel instead, it is not as hazardous to personal well-being at least. Though the song title sounds like a revolutionary war chant by a totalitarian pro-Mao Zedong boyband, it is really pretty much harmless.

So much has happened this week. Because I have as interesting and exciting a life as the sexy millipedes in my backyard, all the crazy things happening in the world this week obviously have nothing to do with me. As a result, this entire post will be revolving around two things: FOOTBALL and AMERICAN IDOL. Shocker.

My world is too small.

Firstly, I am confident that all of you out there, from the eskimoes of the universe to the warring tribes of Bora-Bora (there are tribes there that fight right?), know that Ronald Koeman has been sacked by Valencia.

I have things to say about that but I am frankly quite tired of talking about it. Koeman is out of my life and I click my heels in joy every 5 minutes to celebrate that.

All right, out of Valencia's life. You get my point.

Secondly, I am hearing news that a certain Adrian Gonzalez (also known as Real Madrid legend Michel's offspring) might be headed to Getafe next season. I don't know, does Getafe want to be relegated that badly?

No offense to Adrian, whom I apologize to if he happens to be reading this. Though since he clearly stated in an interview that he found reading "meaningless" (MEANINGLESS? WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?), the chances of him actually reading anything more than the title of my post are relatively low.

Adrian has been tossed around from club to club like a potted plant (hell, they probably treat their potted plants with much better care), and it seems to me nothing seems to be improving. He was initially asked to join the Real Madrid team for pre-season friendlies (also known as time-wasting matches) but has since been told by Bernd Schuster to find himself some other club to occupy his time this season.

They ripped Adrian's heart out and trampled on his pride, like heartless barbarians they are. One day when I have the courage to, I will give those Real Madrid people a piece of my mind. Not that it will do anyone any good because they do not speak English. Having a translator by my side to repeat my tirade would also lower the impact of my words significantly, but I will figure something out sometime in my life.

And so Adrian sadly moved on. I think I talked about it a few posts ago, about how he moved to Celta and eventually ended up in Gimnastic de Tarragona (DO YOU SEE HOW HE IS BEING SHIPPED AROUND LIKE A CARTON OF DEAD FISH?). Now he's like a stuffed mascot travelling around with his current club, because I don't think he's playing regular football there (from what I can understand from my barely-existent knowledge of Spanish). All he seems to be doing is playing cheerleader on the bench, providing distraction with his perfect Adrian-like hair and Adrian-like pouts and dangling his Sharon-Stone-like legs on the bench, and giving sad interviews to anybody who would listen. I do not know what the deal is with him and his equally pouty father (also known as Real Madrid legend Michel, who is also known as the man who nearly ripped off Carlos Valderrama's manly tools during a match 20 years ago), but it seems like all is not going well between them either.

So now, Getafe apparently wants him.

I am, of course, delighted. Getafe is not exactly relegation-threatened, they are playing in the first division, and they made stars out of two of Adrian's ex-teammates and ex-BFFs, a certain Esteban Granero (who has INCREDIBLE fashion sense, now he is starting to adopt BLUE headbands that will go well with his blue jersey woweeeeeeeee) and a certain somethingsomething de la Red (WHAT IS HIS FIRST NAME? REMEMBER TO CHECK!).

OK, enough of Adrian. Now on to more urgent issues, like...AMERICAN IDOL!

I don't know what happened this week, because for some utterly disgusting reason, Carly was voted off. CARLY! THE ONE WITH THE BOOMBOX VOICE! THE ONE THAT I WANNA BE STUCK IN A LIFT WITH!

Not that I ever want to be stuck in a lift with anybody, or stuck in a lift PERIOD, but Carly is currently top of the list, followed very closely by Joaquin, because Joaquin looks like he tells good jokes and what a better time to do that than when we are trapped in an enclosed space?

TOP 10 PEOPLE I WANT TO BE STUCK IN A LIFT WITH:

1. Carly Smithson (Smith...SEN? WHAT IS HER NAME, REMEMBER TO CHECK!)
She will HOWL our way out of the lift, I tell ya. There is no stopping those lungs.

2. Joaquin
He is by far one of the more amusing footballers in the world today, and he looks like he has an insane sense of humour, what great fun being stuck in a lift would be!

Of course, that can easily backfire because the jokes he tell would be in Spanish, which would be completely lost on me. That is IF I DO NOT START GETTING PROFESSIONAL HELP FOR SPANISH. I can understand Spanish, but only if I read it. Listening to them speak is equivalent to being stuck in a working washing machine, I will only come out of it confused.

All right, if I am stuck with Joaquin, then I have to make sure I have a pen and paper and a torchlight so that he can write out his jokes for me and so I can actually read his words in the dark.

3. Any Real Madrid person
As I have mentioned earlier, I have to direct my tirade about their treatment of Adrian to SOMEBODY, and what a great time to impart Adrian propaganda while we are stuck in a lift.

Wait a minute, what am I doing? I do not even LIKE Real Madrid. Adrian would be better off not playing for that team of white ghouls.

I am going to have to think of a new reason why I want to be stuck in a lift with a Real Madrid being. Sigh. Suddenly the thought does not exactly thrill me anymore.

4. EVER BANEGA!
It will be so fun asking him about that adult video he did. That is, before he bashes me up to death. Though that will be very risky, because he cannot effectively tell the police that he did not commit murder since it will be only him and my body in the lift when eventually we are both rescued.

Then again, it might be very dangerous being stuck with him, considering how we know he likes to shed his clothes for other people. At least that will inspire me to find an escape route much quicker than I would otherwise have if I were stuck with someone like, say, clown Joaquin.

5. Any greedy person
I assume that greedy people would have food in their bags. At least, that is what I do.

If I were stuck in a lift, the least the other person could do is comfort me by assuring me that he/she also has food in his/her bag. Then I can bring out the food that I always keep in my bag (emergency Oreo cookies, if I am dying of hunger when I am out, which is very often) and we can share our food and have a claustrophobic picnic.

Wait a minute, what am I doing? If the person is greedy, the person would eat up MY food.

Edit: Any greedy BUT KIND person.

6. Any random magician
How useful would a magician be! If I want food, I would expect the magician to somehow come up with food for me. I mean, that is partly his job, to do some fanciful magic.

7. HARRY POTTER!
NOT Daniel Radcliffe. I want the boy wizard. I think he would be more useful than anybody else above on the list actually, because I am sure Mr. Potter would get us out of the lift immediately.

However, I am putting it low on the list because I assume that Lord Voldemort would come looking for Harry, and by sheer luck, I WILL BE THERE TOO. I do not want to be at the receiving end of those unpleasant unforgivable curses, no thank you, does nobody remember how Cedric Diggory got killed?

Very dangerous, especially since I am just a stupid Muggle.

8. John Terry
I HAVE to know what it is he has been saying to Fernando Torres to upset Fernando so much. Although I will probably be arrested once we are rescued, it will be worth it.

Also, I want to ask him if David Silva can speak English, since he also tried to break Silva's legs when Chelsea played Valencia. If Silva screamed "HELP!", that means he can speak English. If Silva yelped "SOCORRO!", that means that he is pretty much useless as a human being.

I THINK it is spelt as socorro? REMEMBER TO CHECK!

9. Jason Castroooooooooo
I really want to know how dreadlocks are made. I know it will be easier going up to any random hairdresser and asking him/her, but it will be so exciting if Jason could sing out the explanation to me instead.

Besides, he can then attempt to dreadlock-dify my hair, since I have long hair too. Possibly we will be stuck in a lift for a few hours, I might as well make full use of my time.

10. Random electrician/genius/person with great interest in solving problems
It will be cool if the person I am stuck with is actually able to get us both out just by playing around with the lift buttons and things like that, but I put this bottom of the list because why would I want to hang around a random electrical person if I can instead assault John Terry or learn about dreadlocks?

HOLD IT! BACK TO AMERICAN IDOL!

So after that incredible performance this week, Carly was told to leave. WHY AMERICA WHY?

Syeeeeeeeeeeesha/Syieeeeeeeeesha/Saiyeeeeeeeeeeeeesha was also in the bottom 2, which surprised me as well. She didn't look fantastically pleased, I mean of course I wasn't expecting her to be a barrel of giggles in that situation, but sometimes it seems like she is acting as if she deserves to be in a high position. Red card for Syeeeeesha!

Brooke was safe for the week. I am not really surprised, because such things ALWAYS happen. In fact, at some point I suspected a conspiracy by Ryan Seacrest, like maybe he forgot to put on his contacts or his eyes were crossed for a millisecond and he read the names wrong, and Brooke's name looked like Carly's name and Brooke was really the one who should have gone. I have, however, given up that theory, because I have realized that Ryan Seacrest has no real reason to do anything like that, unless he is inherently cruel or just a twat.

Jason Castroooooooooooooooo was safe too, which is not much of a shocker. Hearing all these random girls screaming for him, it is no doubt that Jason has a massive fanbase. I wonder why? I mean, the dude has nice eyes yea.

But so does half the planet.

Watch some football, girls, once you see Jesus Navas, Jason Castro and his pretty eyeballs will be a distant memory.

Nothing much to say about the two Davids. David Archuwhohuh and David Cook, both were good, both deserved to be in, the world is fair sometimes, congratulations and good night.

By the way, David Archublankblank is pretty small yea? Either that or the people on the show are massive statues. He's spent much of the show communicating with other people's chests, while they responded to his scalp. I have to go see what his height is, I do understand how sad it must be being a small person in a big big world (and I mean HUGE), because I too spend half my time smiling at people's adams apples. I understand, David.

Next week is Neil Diamond week. When my parents heard that, they got very excited.

Translation: It will be as exciting as watching ice melt.

Goodnight world.

Signed,

Sincerely, me

Pearlyn Silva